Caution: highly personal post ahead.
In the past year, I’ve been to a lot of places. I up-and-moved from Denver, CO when life wasn’t working out. I traveled back home to Iowa to save up money for whatever my next move was – which happened to be moving on again and again…and again.
Alaska for 2.5 months:
Ecuador and Peru for 2 months:
And now onto British Columbia for a little over a month before I’m home again.
Canada was an extreme last minute decision that came from my general state of restlessness, my homesickness for North America, and a new feeling I discovered in the last few weeks – loneliness.
The thing is, I’ve been lonely for awhile now – about a year. Before this traveling stint, I was part of a start-up video production company with some of my best friends in this entire universe.
I left the company because of the amount of bad stress it gave me. Between dealing with a bit of client negativity and trying to critique your friends’ work and decisions every day, it was too much for my mind to handle, and in a way, it temporarily hardened my heart.
But, looking back at that experience, there were two irreplaceable positive things I’ve finally let myself learn-
1. There are few more exhilarating feelings than creating something amazing with an amazing group of people (for me, anyway).
2. I don’t hate people as much as I have forced myself to believe in the past year.
In fact, I absolutely fucking love them to the point where it hurts. I’ve been running from them so hard in the last several months in an effort to avoid that fact and avoid the feelings I needed to feel.
There’s nothing I regret about the last year of my life. I validated my independence and confidence while seeing new things and meeting new people. But the thing is, you can still be independent and confident without doing everything by yourself.
I miss my family and friend-ily. I miss creating and building things and actively watching them become tangible. Travel is beautiful and necessary, and I without a doubt plan to do it intermittently throughout my life. But for this upcoming month in the Canadian wilderness, I plan to ponder whether it’s what I need right now.
I want to create. I want to read, write, theorize, discuss, and be up until the wee hours of the morning working on whatever this thing is because my passion for it gives me no other choice. And I want to do this with great people.
For reflection, peace and quiet, idea formation, and finally some god damn pizza soaked in ranch dressing again.
To the people reading this who’ve been a part of my life in the last year, I love you.